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haha i don't stand a chance langsung kan? :) hehe takpe, allah knows best.
birthdays
It's been a while since i really enjoyed having a birthday. or even enjoyed celebrating one. entahlah. kenapa ye? with all due honesty, i've been trying to not anticipate my own birthday. it's stupid and silly. but sometimes i just wish the world would skip a day when it comes to mine. plainly because surprises are lame. just lame. pretending to not realise someone's birthday and in the end wishing them when the day's nearly over is just pathetic in a way. it's lame. what more if someone starts going all emo when thinking that you've forgotten their birthday. i used to anticipate my birthday. i love the thought of getting presents from families and friends. cards, messages and thoughts. those were the good old days. it's been a while now. it really has been. i still get birthday wishes. your parents never forget your birthday. but it's what have been happening in the lead towards my birthday is what has been changing my perceptions towards it. i dont want to remember them. but i cant seem to forget them either. my 18th was the start of the first. it was my 18th for goodness sake. i know it's just a number, but you only turn 18 once and you'd like to feel the so-called hype. but no i didn't. what was the "hype" about anyway when i kept failing my driving tests and had mama saying "membazir duit mama je bayar mahal2". that never helped my self-esteem. and that never made my birthday meaningful either. i failed my first driving test on my very own birthday. my 21st was the second bad one. after missing out on the 18th, who knows that maybe 21 could be my lucky number. i was so wrong. we went on a holiday, and the second day of the trip was my birthday. i had no wishes said to me from my family. and when i later broke down because nobody wished me on my birthday, i had a reply which blamed me for my own "attitude" of not "being thankful for the whole trip which was meant to be a 'celebration' of your birthday". and i replied, "i only want a simple wish and a feeling that you've remembered than a 1K worth holiday with no wish and full of assumptions - that i know you remembered, that i should be thankful that we're on a holiday for my birthday, that IT WAS a birthday treat for me". please. just be frank. and wish me. my 24th was the third. and please, i pray that it will be the last one to turn out so badly. :( i'd really rather not have my birthday at home. it probably will be for the best. i have been having silly arguments over things i dont wish to remember. things about feeling being taken for granted and so forth. it was stupid but that was what i felt. and things still had not turn well on my birthday. and to kind of make it up of some sort, we had a dinner out. it was meant to be a special treat. but i didnt feel as if it was. it's like trying to sweep things down under the carpet. and i tried hard, so hard to smile and be cheerful. i just felt i was faking it. it was an early birthday treat as we couldnt have a celebration on the actual day/night. *sigh* . i tried to treat my self with new clothes and what not (all alone. how great it was), but i felt no satisfaction. i got a card from dear sister. i appreciated that soo much. she was sweet. i got a card late that night from mama n abah. as usual, mama n abah takkan kasi directly the card. i have no freaking idea why they jus wouldnt. and they say they're open to perbincangan. i just wished that night tthat they would come to my room, wished me personally. and had given me a hug or two. well it'll never happen. tell them that and i know they'd say "nak suruh abah n mama buat macam tu?" and give me a weird look or a smirk. just freaking SHOW it for goodness sake. what hit me most was that it was the first time ever that i did not receive a gift on my birthday. not that it really matters but honestly what mama said on the card hit me real deep that i felt like i do not want to read it again ever. "tiada hadiah yg lebih berharga dari nasihat lukman kepada anaknya". i know it's meant to sound good and all. but all i felt at the time (call me selfish and what not) was: "i'm not a good enough daughter to my parents" "i'm not good enough" "i'm not good enough" i know they meant well. they probably wanted me to improve on my akhlaq to them and what not. but seriously, they probably know better what a daughter would feel after reading that. it didnt build my self-esteem. it didnt make feel loved although the wishes imprinted by Memory Lane on the card wanted a daughter to feel loved. it didn't make me feel as if i was pardoned for all my mistakes. didnt make me feel like thanking them for it either. and in the end i never said a word to them. it just made me feel worse. made me feel as if i am the worst daughter in the world ever. on MY 24th birthday. (T_T) i probably am.. for all those things i've done. i hope none of this recurs on my next birthday or 27th, should i live long enough to see those days. terrifies me. today is mama's birthday. and i wished her at 8pm home time. and she said "dah tgh malam baru nak wish". i feel appreciated. good enough to stop me from mentioning that i sent her a card and a handcrafted gift all the way for her birthday. obviously it has yet to reach her. and so people say that i look like a good daughter to my parents. that i will make a great DIL. i do not wish for people to know what i've been through because it's a real shame. my sister is so much better a person and daughter than i am. i dont know if i have been made to feel that i am a good enough daughter for my parents. i long for that time to come. i really do deep down. i wish they knew what it feels like being compared to daughters of other people. i've heard it all my life. and if only they knew how bad it hurts a child's self-esteem everytime it's being said.. i'm typing this in tears. not with anger. i wish to not hate birthdays. but i've had bad experiences. since when do you have to depend on what others do unto you to make you feel happy?
i hate it i hate losing my temper. but i'm finding that i lose it easily these days. like really easily. and the fact that my slight [and often subconscious] crossing of the eyebrows make a HUGE difference to my facial expression really does not help. i hate it. and you, dont you ever tell me to "hey lek la". coz that irk the hell outta me more that the causative incident itself. especially when it was you who went doughnuts first! seriously i hate it.
-_-' ah, sometimes i feel like i don't deserve all the love that i get in this life. i'm no goody to deserve all this. i could go on and on why i don't deserve such beautiful feeling and treatment. but i love it. and yet i feel that i don't deserve it at all. masyaallah. i feel that there's so much love already in this world (for me). and yet there's so much more in You. Allah, I'm indeed grateful of all that You have bestowed upon me. You are indeed the Most Loving, the Most Kind.
gedik cukup2lah gedik. it's so not you. and you know it kan? lebih baik senyap dari berkata2 yang tak perlu. especially yang really2 tak perlu. cukup2lah tu. oh. n bila senyap tu, senyumlah jugak sikit okies. :) hutang
i don't understand why orang sangat susah nak bayar hutang. i mean, diorg ni mostly bukanla tak nak bayar or takde duit - because that will be a different story altogether. this is about orang yang: 1. lupa dia berhutang sbb tak tulis! 2. malas nak bukak internet banking utk transfer duit! ok, people, get real! please, I tend to hulur duit dulu sbb you so happen to be lambaat membuka wallet and keluarkan your duit/card/whatever means that you have to pay whatever that we share (meals/transport/sporting venues whatever) or the fact that you borrowed my credit card for whatever material that you're buying for yourself. see i'm nice kan. but it irks me just as well when my cash keeps dropping or my credit card balance keeps increasing because "my money" is floating somewhere else. and it irks me even more when it's me who have to cover the credit card expense whilst your money in the bank is just not enough to pay for it on the due date. in the mean time, my money floats again while i wait for your money to pool again inside your account. hopefully i still remember that you owe me money by the time it gets to you. ok, i should stop
it's hard
it's hard. ya allah i dont know why this is all happening. i really have no idea. like boleh tak nak cakap, "ape kes ni?". huhu. to myself that is. if only i know what the future holds for me. tapi if that's so, dah tak exciting lah life ni. :) apelah. hehe. anyways. it's hard. sebab this is like a life and death matter. (tipu kot). but close enough. it is important nevertheless kan. tapi really, sometimes i wonder if i'm making the right decision pun. i've asked to be guided, so i hope i have. huhu. please, ya allah, i dont want to make a decision that's based solely on my emotions and logic. huhu. i feel bad. like really. but seriously, i've tried to be optimistic for a bit (dude, i cant stand being optimistic for too long with regards to this.), but the thing is, i still dont see how things will work out. i'm just not convinced. like really not convinced.  agh. i feel soo bad. as in really baad. *sigh* *sigh* *sighs again*aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~ i feel like screaming my head off. huhu. *sobs* entahlah. kdg2 tertanya2 betul ke iman aku ni. a'uzubillah dari membuat decisions yg tidak diredhai Allah. and yet aku tercari2 hikmahnya. tp tak nak lah tergesa2. tak nak lah hanya kerana it came, so i had to accept. like apakah? it's my life i'm dealing with here. *sobs* but at the same time, i kept thinking... lepas ni like seriously there will be no more of these things. it'll come (that's if it does! ah pessimistic. huhu) by another way. and will i still give the same answer?  by the look of things, it's yg Gr>Gy. and i find that equally hard to accept. i feel bad. like honestly. maybe it's not yet time. maybe.
getting organised people who know me typically describe me as an organised person. i don't know where they got that from because i can tell you right this moment how disorganised i'm currently feeling. my registrar informed me of meeting times and dates. like today, the meeting was on at 9am. she told me on tuesday. and i thought i could remember it. easy pease. 9am thursday. and last night until this morning, i thought, hey was it going to be at 830 or 9? 830 or 9, i kept asking myself. it wasnt until 845 (yes 845) that i thought, mungkin 9. mesti 9. should be 9. i was supposed to receive a text from my reg informing me of the venue. i waited until 830, but there was no txt msgs from her. so i thought, she must either be late, or the meeting is at 9. and so at 845 i went out, fingers crossed that the meeting will be at 9. and it was. phew! lepas tu, dah pukul 12 am ni baru teringat, that i wont be seeing her at our usual community centre on Monday because i will be sitting in my consultant's room that monday seeing his patients. agh. and i forgot to remind my reg that i wont be coming in to see her that monday. (i've told her once earlier in the week, but i havent reminded her and i'm sure she's forgotten as she said to me this afternoon - "see you, usual place and time, on Monday!" well i surely have forgotten too that i wont be seeing her as i also said, "yeah, see you!").. aisehmen.. esok kene text dia la pulak. so that means i wont be seeing her 2 days in a row as.. tomorrow i've got something else organised by Uni. so i'll only see her on Tuesday. on which i also have to rebook my patient's appointment as that day that we were meant to meet for a medication review, I was already booked by my consultant to see a new patient for an assessment. well i cant see two patients at one time can i. ni semua sebab tak check diary when organising / booking appointments. see, i'm proving these people, who say they know me, wrong. haih i admit i used to be really organised. i've kinda lost that touch now. bit by bit. apa nak jadi ni. ish ish ish. it's ok, lesson learnt. the hard way. esok is a busy day. and so is the weekend. my only time off really are the afternoons of my weekdays. i shall miss this rotation once it's over. i love it. signing off. semoga hari esok lebih baik dari hari ini.
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"..semakin lama kita dalam tarbiyyah peratusan tarbiyyah dzatiyyah dalam tarbiyyah diri kita sepatutnya semakin lama semakin meningkat, dan peratusan tarbiyyah jam'iyah akan berkurangan. semakin matang kita meniti usia tarbiyyah, semoga semakin tinggi kesedaran tanggungjawab utk menjaga pertarbiyyahan diri sendiri - sehingga terhasil lah usaha2 atas dzatiyyah sendiri. sama ada dari segi peningkatan amal fardhi, mahupun thaqafi/kefahaman da'awi/pembaikan peribadi. Surah2 hafazan, hadith2 hafazan, ilmu2 syarak yang perlu dikuasai, bahan2 modul yang wajib dihadami, kisah2 rasulullah, sahabat, para tabi'in dan mereka2 yang terdahulu yang perlu diselusuri, isi kandungan manhaj yang perlu diabsorb dan macam2 lagi..terlalu banyak utk di senaraikan. tapi cukuplah list tu utk mengingatkan kita bahawa kerja lebih byk dari masa. setiap celah & ceruk masa yang ada, semoga dipenuhi dengan amal yg menjadikan kita hamba yang lebih baik dari sebelumnya. Amin..."
this one phrase There’s something in this world that is called appreciation. And there is such thing as a feeling of being appreciated. And there is that one phrase that could convey the first message, and then, generate that beautiful feeling in you... and that is: Thank you.
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